Getting help isn’t easy. Watching someone you love struggling is a particular kind of hard. You really want to be able to say something, but you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing. For this Momentum Monday, let’s dive into how to spark that conversation without pushing that loved one away.
Pick the Right Moment
Timing matters way more than people think it does. The right moment is not in the middle of an argument, in the middle of a crisis, or when either of you is exhausted or angry. And DEFINITELY NOT when you’re not sober. Choosing a private, calm moment is imperative. And one where you have enough time to really talk is also imperative. Rushing this conversation will not end up anywhere you want it to.
Help Comes by Leading With Care, Not Evidence
Walking in with a list of all the things that went sideways is quite tempting. Please don’t do that. Tactics like those usually just make a loved one defensive, not reflective. Start with talking about how much you care, and where the conversation came from. Maybe, “I love you. And I’m worried about you. I would really like to talk about that.”
Use “I” Statements, Not Accusations
You you you. You’re always… You never… Statements like that will put people on the defensive real fast. It helps when you come from your own experience, because it keeps the door open instead of getting it slammed in your face. Try:
- “I’ve noticed you seem really overwhelmed lately”
- “I feel scared when I don’t hear from you for days”
- “I miss how things used to be between us”
None of these statements attack their reality. They just lay out the truth of yours.
Expect Resistance, and Stay Steady Anyway
This path starts with a big step. Expect denial, anger, deflection, or shutting down completely as all normal first reactions. It might be good to remember that one conversation rarely changes most things, and that’s really okay. It’s planting the seed that matters. And if your loved one pushes back, the best thing you can do is stay calm. Just simply say, “ I hear you and I’m here because I care. My offer stands whenever you’re ready.”
Have Real Resources Ready
As part of your action plan, if the conversation opens a door, be prepared to walk through it with them. The goal is to have a specific next step ready to go, not just a vague “get help” idea. Phone numbers, websites, names of peer recovery coach contacts, or an offer to make the first call together, or go to a meeting together, go way further than “You need to talk to someone.”
Help Means Taking Care of Yourself Too
Importantly though, being a support for someone doesn’t mean you have to absorb all they’re going through. Boundaries are extremely important. It’s great to say you don’t have to do this alone, but remember you should have a support system too.
The Bigger Point
No one can force anyone into recovery. But you CAN open a door, hold it open, and let them know you’re not going anywhere. That’s a big deal. For many, it’ll be the conversation that’s remembered as the turning point. Even if it felt way different at the time.
If the conversation goes well and they’re ready for a next step, our Recovery Community Centers are peer-run, drop-in spaces with no appointment needed. And if you or they need to talk it through first, SAMHSA’s National Helpline is free, confidential, and available 24/7 at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Or, if they’re having a difficult time bringing themselves to talk to someone, just fill out our online pre-assessment form, and we’ll be in touch.
Have you had this conversation with someone you love? What helped it go better? Tell us below.
